^^I picked this pic because I remember it too vividly (maybe that’s my problem in and of itself, I remember TOO much!). That orange outfit (no bow and being held by everyone else, but myself) she was in for at least 3 days? Thanks mom for giving her her first bath and doing the duty of putting her in a new outfit since I just couldn’t go there.
Lately, I’ve had these never ending thoughts that I wanted to share in effort to help anyone that may feel the same way, and so I’ve titled them: the fertility struggle. Recently, so many couples have opened up and spoken out on their personal infertility struggle. Infertility is real and my heart reaaallly goes out to those of you who are or who will struggle with this. I can only imagine the incredible and heavy burden of infertility and miscarriage. I’m so glad people are opening up about their struggle so many who also struggle with it don’t feel alone. Trying to be mindful and respectful of this situation, I carefully share a struggle of the exact opposite: fertility, which seems to have a very unheard voice as of now (or maybe it’s just me!?). Though, talking with some close friends, I know I’m not the only one. My baby is now 18 months old. I struggled horribly with post-partum depression and anxiety right after coming home from the hospital (read more here) for about five weeks. This experience plays a powerful dynamic in my struggle now to ever want another baby. I feel this guilt. Guilt for being totally capable of bearing children, physically, just not so much mentally. Guilt for wanting to keep God’s commandments to “Multiply and replenish the earth”, just struggling to now how I can possibly do it. Oh, and the guilt and hardest part, figuring out if I’m just being “selfish” or true to my feelings? I don’t find myself struggling to get things done, or keeping a clean house, or making dinner, or feeling like I can’t “keep up”, etc. etc. etc. like every other mom seems to speak out about on Instagram, I just simply struggle with this desire to do it all again. Now that I’ve reached this point of “your baby is old enough to have another baby and not look “out of your mind””, I feel this pressure to have another baby. And, that thought right there has brought such anxiety, that my thoughts have been entirely consumed in this fear of, “How will I ever do it again!?” and then, “Oh no, I want to have more than one child though, but how can I ever” (you see the unhealthy pattern). I am terrified, completely terrified. It would be one thing if it was because of the physical element, but mental is a whole other ball game and mental illness does kill people. It’s innate to try and keep yourself alive, but the experience I had shortly after having my baby, truly almost killed me and the thought of going through that again or having it even get worse the following time is unbearable to me right now. I don’t know who “Allie” was during those miserable five weeks and that’s the part that really scares me. Whatever came over me left me a little un-trusting of my own self. It’s now affecting the way I enjoy my 18-month-old since each day that she gets older (and I seem to be the only one who LOVES her getting older, further away from that reeeeally hard baby stage), is a day closer to ever having to face my biggest fear again: going there again. But, I’m trying my best to remember, 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” and the Brethren’s counsel on rearing children: “In all this, however, the mother’s health should be guarded.” and that it’s okay to take it one day at a time and hope that one day, maybe just maybe I’ll get there
Because we all struggle, in our own way. And I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough for miraculously getting me through it once before, I am truly indebted to Him.
P.S. this article has helped too: http://thealisonshow.com/2015/11/alisons-tips-for-managing-a-rough-pregnancy.html and read my I am “Mom” poem here: https://theschroedershow.wordpress.com/the-lydi-bug-show/i-am-mom/ and for a little more light-hearted read/laugh: https://theschroedershow.wordpress.com/the-lydi-bug-show/please-tell-me-im-not-the-only-one/